21 November 2001
The Honorable Albert Gore Jr.
United States Embassy
Chad, Somewhere in Africa
No Known Postmark Available
Hey, Al!
Long time, no hear, Bubba! Well, I though I’d better drop you a line while I had the chance. Things sure are different now that we’re up here in the land of the Yankees (if you know what I mean). Man, I sure would like to be back in Little Rock where things (and the women) were simpler and easier! These damn New Yorkers are about to drive me INSANE! Hell, half the time I can’t understand them, and they actually expect me to get something done in this cesspool!
But hey, man, you talk about some gorgeous twang! Whooee, Al, it’s like I died and went to heaven! And the price is right! I can’t hardly use that finger wag response anymore. And hell, you can pick up the best blow and primo weed right on the way home from work! I mean it’s the best! Hell, I’m partyin’ my a$$ off and I don’t have to worry about the Secret Service hoverin’ over me all the damn time and wanderin’ where the “witch” is at. She stays pretty busy at that Senate gig, always in a damn fight with Strom Thurmond (damn won’t he ever die?!!) or Jesse Helms. Hell, she’ll be runnin’ for Pres’ before you know it . Who knows, I might be right back in the White House in a few years, givin’ those interns a run for their money again!
Listen, Al, I sure am sorry about that election thing last year. I know you’ve been countin’ on bein’ the President for as long as you could remember, just like me. I sorta messed things up for you and all. All I can say Al, is that ole Monica was hard to beat, and I just got confused about the whole thing, you know? Sorta like those old farts down in Palm Beach with those ballots. I mean, hell Al, I know we musta told those people a thousand times how to punch those cards! It’s too bad ole Bill Daley didn’t pull it off for you, he’s the best damn vote grabber I’ve ever seen next to his daddy!
Well, at least ole GW gave you a job. Hell, it was the least he could do, considerin’ the circumstances and all. He sure has a hell of a sense of humor don’t he? Ambassador to Chad! Damn, that’s funny! Just don’t get around those monkeys Al. They’re supposed to have AIDS or somethin’ like that. No damn wonder I never made a Presidential trip to that God foresaken sh**hole! Hey Al, you remember that all night bong party we had in the Oval Office back in 96 after the elections? Remember when ole Bob Kerry knocked over the stash and sent seeds flyin’ everywhere? Don’t you know the Secret Service dogs are just a nervous wreck about now? I’d love to see the look on ole GW’s face too, when he finds those used condoms under the bottom of the desk drawer! Man that ought to be a hoot! Well, Al, I hope your job is workin’ out for you. Who knows, you might be able to build your own voter base right there, whattya think? President for Life of Chad – Al Gore! Take care of yourself and say hi to Tipper for me when she gets over her bout of depression.
Your Buddy,
Bill
P.S. hey man, if you’ve got a few extra bucks you’re not usin’, I could sure use it for my library. Seems like everybody just wants to forget I was ever President. It’s pretty damn depressing. I had a whole wing planned for my favorite porn with plenty of love seats (if you catch my drift).